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Saturday, October 29, 2005

Most Embarrassing Date



I thought I'd had some embarrassing first dates, but after reading the following account, I'm sure you'll join me in passing the crown and sceptre over to this couple:
Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience. There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!

Friday, October 21, 2005

A Matter of Perspective, or, Dear Diary

I’ve been on a roll lately. In addition to my numerous blogs, I recently started up a Yahoo group and a discussion board to piggyback off of topics raised on my main blog, Dee411. Hopefully, by doing so, I will have provided a place where topics touched upon can be discussed thoroughly and privately, if so desired.

Anyway, in the administration area of the discussion board, there is a section entitled “censored words.” In this section, the system automatically replaces cusswords, politically incorrect terminology and other inflammatory words.

They had some suggested words already preprogrammed, but like a kid in a candy store, I had a ball going through and replacing their suggestions with words of my liking. I wish I could be a fly on the wall, the first time someone does a post including one of my substitutions…LOL.

Anyway, this is one of my favorite jokes, but there are cusswords involved. So I went through and censored this bad boy as well. Lemme know what you think:

Peace,
Dee

DEAR DIARY

Aug. 12:
Moved to our new home in Upstate New York. It is so beautiful here! The mountains are so majestic. Can hardly wait to see snow covering them.

Oct. 14:
New York is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves are turned all the colors and shades of red and orange. Went for a ride through the beautiful mountains and saw some deer. They are so graceful. Certainly they are the most wonderful animals on earth. This must be paradise. I love it here.

Nov. 11:
Deer season will start soon. I can’t imagine anyone wanting to kill such a gorgeous treasure. Hope it will snow soon. I love it here.

Dec. 2:
It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed over with white. It looks like a postcard. We went outside and cleaned the snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway. We had a snowball fight (I won), and when the snowplow came by, we had to shovel the driveway again. What a beautiful place. I love New York.

Dec. 12:
More snow last night. The snowplow did his trick again to the driveway. I love it here.

Dec. 19:
More snow last night. Couldn’t get out of the driveway to get to work. I am exhausted from shoveling. Copulating snowplow never showed up!

Dec. 22:
More of that white poop fell last night. I’ve got blisters on my hands from shoveling. I think the snowplow hides around the curve and waits till I’m done shoveling the driveway. Donkey-hole!

Dec. 25:
Merry Copulating Christmas. More friggin snow. If I ever get my hands on that son-of-a-female-dog who drives the snowplow, I swear I’ll kill the- product-of-unwed-parents! Don’t know why they don’t use more salt on the roads to melt the copulating ice.

Dec. 27:
More white poop last night. Been inside for three days except for shoveling out the driveway after the snowplow goes through every time. Can’t go anywhere; car is stuck in a mountain of white poop. The weatherman says to expect another ten inches of the poop again tonight. Do you know how many shovels full of snow ten inches is?

Dec. 28:
The copulating weatherman was wrong. We got thirty-four inches of that white poop this time. At this rate it won’t melt before the summer. The snowplow got stuck up in the road and that product-of-unwed-parents came to the door and asked to borrow my shovel. After I told him I had broken six shovels already shoveling all the poop he pushed into the driveway, I broke my last one over his copulating head.

Jan 4:
Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store to get food and on the way back a damned deer ran in front of the car and I hit it. Did about $3000 damage to the car. Those copulating beasts should be killed. Wish the hunters had killed them all last November.

May 3:
Took the car to the garage in Town. Would you believe the thing is rusting out from all that copulating salt they put all over the roads?

May 10:
Moved to Georgia. I can't imagine why anyone in their right mind would ever live in that God-forsaken State of New York!

Thursday, October 20, 2005

Do Overs...


I have often wondered this

and I figure I’m not the only

one...

If I could, I would go back to my 22nd year. I mean look at me. I’d discovered the wonders of makeup, colored contact lenses, hair dye and, oh glory,…weaves! Dang if I didn’t look good, in spite of all that! LOL.

It was a year filled with ups and downs. My husband cheated and was kicked out, by his own mama, who changed the locks on her apartment door. (Yeah, we lived with his parents. I was 19 and he was 18…but that’s another story), I became a femme fatale…(translation: deadly female) and dater extraordinaire. In my estimation, there was safety in numbers. I was attending auditions for commercials, background singing spots and background dancing spots.

My hair and consequently "my look" changed constantly. In fact, I had a wig collection that would make Regine of the sitcom entitled “Living Single” salivate.

I recall snagging a spotlight in a video with Keith Sweat’s non-singing-behind. He was assisting with the launch of a new singing group. I can't remember their name but after so many repetitions the words of the chorus "All Night, All Night Long...Hit it!" stuck in my head.

Finally, we were thankfully up to the last and final take. (oxymoron?) I'm dancing happily away in my designated spot, grooving with my newfound Puerto Rican friend, when...she accidentally overbalances, thereby accidentally elbowing me out of the way and catching her balance, right dead center of my spotlight.

I gathered friends and family to see the side of my arm that had made it to video stardom. Alas, too trusting--yet again.

But all in all, despite all of the above…I remember 22 as a very good year.

If you could, or better still, if you were granted just one wish and it had to do with turning back the hands of time...What age would you go back to and why?

Thursday, October 06, 2005

This Just In!

Hope this gives you the chuckle it gave me. Btw...it's supposed to switch back and forth between chesteses and nuts, but I'm not a techie so picture it...K?

Monday, October 03, 2005

Dating Rules From A Man's Perspective

"This is a 'to do' list for

women who aren't

meeting the guys they

want to meet, either

the quantity of guys

or the quality of guys

that make them happy."

If you are happy with what you are getting, then good for you. Don't change a thing. If you are going to gripe about players, flakey guys, guys who only love the chase, guys who only want sex, and all the rest, then do these things and you will have more shots at more good guys than you will know what to do with.

  1. If you are not happy with your physical appearance then hit the gym and fix it.
  2. Be open to meeting guys ANYWHERE. On the street, at the grocery store, at the mall, at the bank, wherever. Realize that we do not require to be all dressed up in club gear for us to be attracted to you. You look better than you think in the sweats and ball cap you wore to run to the grocery store for your Ben & Jerry's pint fix.
  3. Be approachable. How? Lose the "I am about to crap a watermelon" look on your face. Look pleased to be alive if not happy to be where you are. Stop making such an intensive study of the floor tiles. Look around, see who is around. Don't be afraid to make eye contact.
  4. Speaking of eye contact, when you make it and glance away instantly we guys will often think "Oh, she definitely does not want me walking over there." If you do it a second time, we will often be sure of that assessment. When you make eye contact, make it for an extended period of time. Shoot for 5 seconds. Yes, you can do this in line at the bank. Be sure to include some kind of smile that we can actually see and isn't hidden behind your hair that falls in your face as you rapidly whip your head away and out of eye contact.
  5. Speaking of hair, don't cut it short. There is a thread on this now. Read it and understand it.
  6. Dress however the guy you want to meet would like to see a woman dress, not just how you think guys in general want women dressing. If you want a guy that likes women dressed in jeans and ball caps, then wear that. If you want a guy that like women dressed in hooker gear, then wear that. You will be choosing what you attract.
  7. You know how you go into a social event and within moments 4 guys have sloppily tried to hit on you and now you are all annoyed at men in general? Lose the attitude. The guy playing pool with his buddies who you might like to talk to has watched all this and can see that you are now pissed off and isn't going to bother. He's having more fun shooting pool than he would have dealing with your aggravation.
  8. Even if you stay upbeat that guy may assume that you are through listening to guys for the night. If you think you might like to talk to him, go say hello. It does not make you a skank. If a guy does think it makes you a skank, then he's a dumbass and you don't want to talk to him anyway.
  9. You are allowed to initiate conversation or approach men. It does not make you a skank. If a guy does think it makes you a skank, then he's a dumbass and you don't want to talk to him anyway.
  10. Society does not say that women cannot be aggressive. WOMEN say that women cannot be aggressive. This does not turn most guys off. It WILL turn off the players who just love the chase. Guess what that makes them? A dumbass, and you don't want to talk to him anyway.
  11. Just because you approached or asked out one guy, or even two, and it did not result in a whirlwind romance with Prince Charming worthy of a fairy tale publication and a Sunday evening miniseries does not mean that doing such things does not work. It just means that you are dealing with people and people don't always "click." Deal with it.
  12. You can meet good guys in bars. You just have to cut past the 4 players who roll up in the first two minutes. The good guys are shooting pool or talking with friends while the vultures are descending when you walk in the door.
  13. The Man-fairy is not going to deliver a guy to your doorstep and ring the bell. If you want to meet more guys, you have to leave the house. Yes, I know it was a long week at work. Yes, I know you have plants to repot and knitting to do and your wine glasses all need polishing. Yes, I know you have saved all those Extreme Home Makeover episodes on your TiVo. Skip it. The men are all out there at the bars, bookstores, running clubs, and coffee shops of the world. If you only socialize once a month beyond your weekly trip to blockbuster then not meeting guys is your own fault.
  14. Yes, you can meet good guys at the gym. It is just very hard to do so when you never take off your iPod headphones.
  15. Attach no significance to when a guy calls. Just about everyone has some silly rule about how many days to wait before calling. Most of them have no bearing on what the guy is really thinking, other than that he is guessing at which "rule" you believe in. As long as he hasn't waited so long that it is rude, don't sweat it.
  16. If you are not interested, don't give a guy your number and then blow him off. It is just rude and you WILL develop a reputation.
  17. Take some risks. Go talk to that guy. It isn't as hard as it looks and getting shot down is better than never knowing. It is better than kicking yourself all the way home over why he didn't come talk to you.
  18. If a guy acts like a jerk, he IS a jerk. You can't change him, tame him, or anything like that and there is no prize for playing that game. Just a lot of heartache and baggage to carry to the next guy until you make yourself totally undateable.
  19. If you are talking to a guy and getting good vibes but he just isn't "closing the deal" (asking for your number, etc), realize that he might be having trouble with your signals. Either amp up the signals or just offer your number. See what happens. You aren't promising to have his babies, so settle down.
  20. Your dating fate is in your hands. YOU can make these changes and YOU can gain some control of things if YOU choose to do so. If you don't, I don't have any sympathy for you.
  21. Not having cats will really, REALLY help your case. (In my case, that's true...damn allergies).
  22. Most women will not buy into this because it would mean accepting responsibility for their dating lives, something most women avoid like the plague, which would give a woman an advantage over others by following these suggestions.
  23. Don't stick to tight groups of friends all night. All that does is make it unlikely that a nonplayer will approach you. No, that doesn't mean the guy isn't confident. It just means the guy is smart enough to realize he can't entertain 986875 girls that get out once a month while at least 1/4 of the group is PMSing. Cycle around alone a bit. You will probably not get kidnapped from a public eating or drinking establishment.
  24. Just because a guy wants sex from you does not mean that he ONLY wants sex from you. If he approached you, asked you out or responded to your advances then he wants sex from you at a minimum. He may want more, but he at least wants that. if you avoid guys who show that they want sex then you will likely end up undersexed when in the relationship.
Okay folks, let me know the ones with which you agree and/or disagree!

Sunday, October 02, 2005

Acid or Alkaline?

Due to my less than creditworthy status, last summer I had a prepaid cellphone offered through Liberty Wireless. It served its purpose. I paid $19.99 a month and for that fee I received a grand total of 80 anytime minutes for the month. If I used more, I paid more--simple.

It was a great arrangement for someone working 15 hours a week at $10.00 an hour, but not a status quo I wanted to continue for an extended period of time, unless I intended to give up my present housing or stop eating.

Eventually that $19.99 paid off and one of the temp agencies with which I was signed called with an offer of a longterm temp position. (YAY!)

Two months into the assignment, an off the cuff conversation with my brother-in-law revealed the fact that I paid $39.99 for 200 anytime minutes and free nights and weekends. (Yup, I'd graduated!)

My brother-in-law was flabbergasted but he calmed down a little when I mentioned my credit situation. He then thought about it for a minute then offered to get a phone for me in his name. I thought about it for 000 one second then said, "Yes!"

###

Fast forward to the present:-

I recently had an epiphany.

I've been giving this cell number out willy nilly to prospective suitors and noticed that after a few conversations the phone calls ceased. I didn't really pay it much mind because, hey, I know I'm interesting...

About two months ago during a conversation with a prospective suitor, he asked,

"Who's Ray Ricketts?" to which I replied

"My brother-in-law--why?" to which he replied

"Uhm hmmm" like I had a hidden agenda or something. I just laughed it off and concluded the conversation.

About three weeks later, when I thought about it, I realized that we hadn't spoken--I stopped laughing.

Could everyone else have thought I was creeping? And was he the only one honest enough to voice his opinions?

I thought about using the hide identity feature on the phone but decided against it. In my family, if you dial with a hidden identity--you keep on ringing.

So now, eventhough I'm aware of the caller ID quandary, I still give out my cell number sans warning, but now I watch to see who says something or not. This has now become my litmus test. I wanna see if a prospective suitor is acid or alkaline.