Monday, October 03, 2005

Dating Rules From A Man's Perspective

"This is a 'to do' list for

women who aren't

meeting the guys they

want to meet, either

the quantity of guys

or the quality of guys

that make them happy."

If you are happy with what you are getting, then good for you. Don't change a thing. If you are going to gripe about players, flakey guys, guys who only love the chase, guys who only want sex, and all the rest, then do these things and you will have more shots at more good guys than you will know what to do with.

  1. If you are not happy with your physical appearance then hit the gym and fix it.
  2. Be open to meeting guys ANYWHERE. On the street, at the grocery store, at the mall, at the bank, wherever. Realize that we do not require to be all dressed up in club gear for us to be attracted to you. You look better than you think in the sweats and ball cap you wore to run to the grocery store for your Ben & Jerry's pint fix.
  3. Be approachable. How? Lose the "I am about to crap a watermelon" look on your face. Look pleased to be alive if not happy to be where you are. Stop making such an intensive study of the floor tiles. Look around, see who is around. Don't be afraid to make eye contact.
  4. Speaking of eye contact, when you make it and glance away instantly we guys will often think "Oh, she definitely does not want me walking over there." If you do it a second time, we will often be sure of that assessment. When you make eye contact, make it for an extended period of time. Shoot for 5 seconds. Yes, you can do this in line at the bank. Be sure to include some kind of smile that we can actually see and isn't hidden behind your hair that falls in your face as you rapidly whip your head away and out of eye contact.
  5. Speaking of hair, don't cut it short. There is a thread on this now. Read it and understand it.
  6. Dress however the guy you want to meet would like to see a woman dress, not just how you think guys in general want women dressing. If you want a guy that likes women dressed in jeans and ball caps, then wear that. If you want a guy that like women dressed in hooker gear, then wear that. You will be choosing what you attract.
  7. You know how you go into a social event and within moments 4 guys have sloppily tried to hit on you and now you are all annoyed at men in general? Lose the attitude. The guy playing pool with his buddies who you might like to talk to has watched all this and can see that you are now pissed off and isn't going to bother. He's having more fun shooting pool than he would have dealing with your aggravation.
  8. Even if you stay upbeat that guy may assume that you are through listening to guys for the night. If you think you might like to talk to him, go say hello. It does not make you a skank. If a guy does think it makes you a skank, then he's a dumbass and you don't want to talk to him anyway.
  9. You are allowed to initiate conversation or approach men. It does not make you a skank. If a guy does think it makes you a skank, then he's a dumbass and you don't want to talk to him anyway.
  10. Society does not say that women cannot be aggressive. WOMEN say that women cannot be aggressive. This does not turn most guys off. It WILL turn off the players who just love the chase. Guess what that makes them? A dumbass, and you don't want to talk to him anyway.
  11. Just because you approached or asked out one guy, or even two, and it did not result in a whirlwind romance with Prince Charming worthy of a fairy tale publication and a Sunday evening miniseries does not mean that doing such things does not work. It just means that you are dealing with people and people don't always "click." Deal with it.
  12. You can meet good guys in bars. You just have to cut past the 4 players who roll up in the first two minutes. The good guys are shooting pool or talking with friends while the vultures are descending when you walk in the door.
  13. The Man-fairy is not going to deliver a guy to your doorstep and ring the bell. If you want to meet more guys, you have to leave the house. Yes, I know it was a long week at work. Yes, I know you have plants to repot and knitting to do and your wine glasses all need polishing. Yes, I know you have saved all those Extreme Home Makeover episodes on your TiVo. Skip it. The men are all out there at the bars, bookstores, running clubs, and coffee shops of the world. If you only socialize once a month beyond your weekly trip to blockbuster then not meeting guys is your own fault.
  14. Yes, you can meet good guys at the gym. It is just very hard to do so when you never take off your iPod headphones.
  15. Attach no significance to when a guy calls. Just about everyone has some silly rule about how many days to wait before calling. Most of them have no bearing on what the guy is really thinking, other than that he is guessing at which "rule" you believe in. As long as he hasn't waited so long that it is rude, don't sweat it.
  16. If you are not interested, don't give a guy your number and then blow him off. It is just rude and you WILL develop a reputation.
  17. Take some risks. Go talk to that guy. It isn't as hard as it looks and getting shot down is better than never knowing. It is better than kicking yourself all the way home over why he didn't come talk to you.
  18. If a guy acts like a jerk, he IS a jerk. You can't change him, tame him, or anything like that and there is no prize for playing that game. Just a lot of heartache and baggage to carry to the next guy until you make yourself totally undateable.
  19. If you are talking to a guy and getting good vibes but he just isn't "closing the deal" (asking for your number, etc), realize that he might be having trouble with your signals. Either amp up the signals or just offer your number. See what happens. You aren't promising to have his babies, so settle down.
  20. Your dating fate is in your hands. YOU can make these changes and YOU can gain some control of things if YOU choose to do so. If you don't, I don't have any sympathy for you.
  21. Not having cats will really, REALLY help your case. (In my case, that's true...damn allergies).
  22. Most women will not buy into this because it would mean accepting responsibility for their dating lives, something most women avoid like the plague, which would give a woman an advantage over others by following these suggestions.
  23. Don't stick to tight groups of friends all night. All that does is make it unlikely that a nonplayer will approach you. No, that doesn't mean the guy isn't confident. It just means the guy is smart enough to realize he can't entertain 986875 girls that get out once a month while at least 1/4 of the group is PMSing. Cycle around alone a bit. You will probably not get kidnapped from a public eating or drinking establishment.
  24. Just because a guy wants sex from you does not mean that he ONLY wants sex from you. If he approached you, asked you out or responded to your advances then he wants sex from you at a minimum. He may want more, but he at least wants that. if you avoid guys who show that they want sex then you will likely end up undersexed when in the relationship.
Okay folks, let me know the ones with which you agree and/or disagree!


ella m. said...

"Don't cut your hair short" is silly. Cut your hair however you feel comfortable and looks best on you.

Any guy who is scared off or judgemental based on a trivial aspect such as hair length is not exactly dating material.

priscilla grim said...

this whole list is shite

the belligerent intellectual said...

#21 is absolutely true. And on the reverse side, getting a golden retriever practically quadruples your chance of a guy wanting to marry you.

Anonymous said...

I really enjoyed your opinion list.

Stopped during my 30 seconds at Blog Explosion. Just wanted to say hi!

Have a great day!

TaraMetBlog said...

awesome list, i'm always telling my friends about # 2 and 3!

Shrinking Wop said...

Boy am I glad I'm an old married guy. This stuff is way too confusing now.

There's some very funny stuff in that list.

MaxiSmeg said...

#1 True for anyone
#2 I would agree
#3 Not sure. Everyone has a bad day. Some people are just shy.
#4 Eye contact is important. Us men are thick stupid at reading signals though.
#5 I personally prefer long hair but it does suit some women short.
#6 Yeah everyone should just be themselves
#7 You can hardly blame her can you?
#8 Yeah, I agree
#9 Yep definitely
#10 Show initiative more than be aggressive
#11 Could have used nicer langauge but yes
#12 Apparently most relationships are the results of friends at work or common social situations.
#13 Yep
#14 Don't disturb people in the middle of their workouts though.
#15 Don't have a clue being honest
#16 Just don't give him your number
#17 Hmmm....
#18 Don't bother with idiots
#19 See the second part of #4
#20 Yep
#21 Not necessarily. Cats can be alright. Some guys love cats
#22 The guy who wrote this is not a chauvinist or bigoted in any way :-)
#23 The group thing makes it difficult for us to approach alright. You do get an instant opinion though.
#24 From my persepective if a guy only wants sex first off he isn't worth your time.

SirDirge said...

Great list.
The very very first item on the list though, should be "SMILE!".

A woman who chooces not to smile is not worth talking to, a smile can make a bad day, a great day.

- SirDirge

Jacobus said...

Re the dating rules: Most of this reflects things I've noticed and felt since puberty. A long time ago.
SirDirge's positive advice to "smile" and the rule about watermelon extrusion should indeed top all such lists. Friendly goes a long way toward making friends, including guys. Unfriendly goes a long way toward avoiding any.
Sometimes a pixie or other short style works okay. But most guys find long hair on a woman feminine and attractive. The writer was sharing that. It doesn't necessarily make a guy "scared off" or "judgemental" that he feels that way. If you'd rather take a girlfriend's opinion or a gay hairdresser's opinion over a hetero male's (who speaks for MANY of us on this), who is it you want to attract?
BTW, Interesting that the most broad condemnation came from someone who couldn't spell a four-letter word. Sharp.
Some men like cats. Some hate them. Just like the spectrum of feeling among women. I like them. In some macho dude's books that makes me a wimp. Tough cookies.
The poster's overall tone appears to me to say, "Don't be so afraid or uptight that you won't connect with a guy and then blame men or fate or anything but your own choice for the results. Get out there more. Say Hi more. Plan to connect with someone who might like you and do it."
You know. Like guys have to do. And BTW, the rule that they're the only ones who are supposed to ask was dreamed up by Queen Elizabeth The First, hundreds of years ago, as a rule for her court. I don't think it worked that great for her. Try something else, today.

Dee said...

Hiya Jacobus,

Thanks for sharing your views. Well said!


P.S. Having been the head of my household for sometime... I usually have to pull back a bit (once I get over my shyness).

Datingmonkey said...

Hold on a sec - what's all this about dressing the way you think a man would want you dressed and not cutting your hair? Or behaving in a certain way in order to attract someone?

OK, so it's probably not that wise to spill the beans on your 5 years of therapy on the first date, but any kind of 'rules' make me feel really nervous - they imply that you have to be in some way disingenuous and not quite yourself, and that's no way to start a relationship.

I'm a bit fat, got rubbish hair, shout too much, swear too much, smoke, laugh, never screen calls, never pretend I'm busy when I'm not to make myself seem more interesting ... and I reckon I'm OK (spectacular flaws notwithstanding).

I wouldn't pretend for a second to be a tree-huggy 'love yourself' person, but to behave in a certain contrived way to attract someone would undermine any principles I've ever had.

But hey - what do I know. Liked the blog.